Quote of the Month
‘My dog is in heat this week, and I can’t even think.’
- Reason why Emma’s agent couldn’t attend a meeting.
When Did People Start Caring So Much About Easter?
Don’t know if it is just us, but we felt like people were going mad for Easter this year? Egg hunts, chocolate cakes, massive garden parties. Instagram was ramming it down our throats. When did everyone decide it was a big deal? We were under the impression that it was a boring holiday and the best bit about it was the reduced aisle the week after.
The only conclusion we can draw is that everyone has realised, like the good Kimberly Craig before us, that Jesus was fit.
If you want a reason to really celebrate, Time of the Month is back baby! Your Aunt Fanny’s regular new writing night at The Stand is returning on May 20th. We will be brining you never seen before material, support from some incredible stand ups, and basically a fucking great night out.
This month’s read is Emma’s reflections on her Antipodean travels with her dad, plus our regular seven monthly recommendations.
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On Holiday with my Dad
by Emma
A few months ago I went travelling with my Dad. He is a kiwi, not the small brown hairy kind, the tall, grey, kind, New Zealand kind. I haven’t been back to New Zealand since I was 6 and all I really remember about my last trip was the plane food, so we thought it was about time he showed me everything it has to offer, including nice peanut butter, amazing views, tasty fish, and racism.
I wasn’t sure how I’d cope for 5 weeks without a vape, and as much as I love my Dad, he is a very quiet man. He opens up the most when he’s driving and doesn’t need to make eye contact, so the front seat of his van is where we had my most uncomfortable teenage chats. When we agreed on a kiwi road trip I thought HERE WE GO. Long drives where he needs to concentrate on the road, and I can ask him the questions he would never answer if we were sat opposite each other at the dinner table. It was time to really get to know Mike. And what did I get to know? That I can’t imagine travelling with anyone else.
I never knew my Dad was such a ‘yes’ man. He’s the only person in my life who will tell me that I should buy the 8 crystals from the overpriced crystal shop, cos we probably wouldn’t pass anymore during the trip and this might be a once-in-a-lifetime purchase. We came across at least two crystal shops in every single city we visited.
With Dad, it’s always ice cream o'clock and you have to try all the local favourite flavours, hokey pokey and goody gum drops being a favourite of mine (because I reverted back to being that 6 year old).
Anytime we saw something cool on our road trip, he’d immediately pull over so we could get some pics, which was great fun, except the time a swarm of bees attacked us. (My Dad is allergic to bees and when we were back in the safety of the car I asked what would happen if he got stung and he said he’d probably die.)
He also told me whilst driving late at night that sometimes his jetlag is so bad that he starts to speak gibberish and then faints, and just before our flight he’d hit his face off a door and his eye bled so much he couldn’t see.
Thankfully we survived the bees, jetlag and blindness, and even my racist family (although I nearly killed myself a few times), and largely the holiday was a roaring success.
My Dad turned 70 this year, and he said he wanted to take the trip because ‘you never know when it’s going to be your last’. All his family out there loved saying morbid things like this up to 8 times a day. It became such a normal part of our conversations that I accidentally stopped fearing death myself. If everyone else is so chill about the idea maybe I should be too! I felt like I approached each day with a new pep in my step, an ‘I’m not scared of dying anymore’ pep. Everyday, things made me smile so much that I wanted to cry, and at one point I ate a croissant so tasty that I actually did.
A Few Highlights of the Trip:
Dad gets seasick (that’s not the highlight) so I did a whale watching tour alone. Everyone approached the task of photographing the whales on this serene boat trip as though they were journalists in a war zone. People had absolutely massive cameras which felt like a middle aged way of swinging your dick about and as soon as someone spotted one it was every man for himself.
My favourite bit was when Dad was standing in the sun taking pictures of our boat pulling into the harbour, and I felt a bit like he was picking me up from karate when I was little again.
Finding out my Great Grandad died of syphilis (icon). Dad’s cousin came out with this absolute corker when we were sat about eating cheese and crackers one evening, like it was the most mundane fact in the world. I was just pleased we were talking about something other than fishing.
And Some Lowlights:
Anything to do with my racist uncle. He makes me feel like I am being bullied at school for being a pale vegetarian and believes he has more right to be in New Zealand than Maori people. He is from Bognor Regis and wears a t-shirt that says shut up and fish...
Going to my cousins house and being shown the cow hide rug made of their two favourite calves they’d hand reared since birth. Then being shown two decapitated deer heads covered in flies. For no reason.
Seeing a pigeon get run over then I stopped being able to speak.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in NZ with Dad, some might even say life changing! However I don’t have the urge to go to that side of the world ever again. It felt a bit like England but more hot, more prejudiced, and the charity shops were so shit I got angry and refused to go in after a while. I think sometimes you need to go to the other side of the world to remember why the fuck you don’t go to the other side of the world more often. I am, however, so, so glad I went with my Dad.
Seven Recommendations
Crab Museum Margate
If like me you LOVE crustaceans, museums and socialism then you will LOVE The Crab Museum in Margate. The best bit is the stuffed suffragette crabs kitted out with purple and green sashes.
Guilt free nap
My shift got cancelled the other day and I had an unlikely day off with loads to be getting on with, so I ate some pasta and fell asleep in front of the TV for 2 hours. Would recommend, and if you’re like me and can sleep for up to 18 hours a day, it won’t even affect your sleep pattern!
Reading
Dunno if anyone has told you already, but I deleted Instagram off my phone!? It’s quite a big deal, now when I am alone on public transport I either look straight ahead or read. Turns out you can basically read anywhere at any time, like going on your phone just less entertaining.
Phonecalls
If you didn’t read my last recommendation you might not know that I deleted Instagram off my phone!? Since then I have done things like sit down, bite my fingernails and have phonecalls. In just one day I have had 2 catch ups with my sister and my mate, and even had time to call HMRC to talk about how I am not getting a tax rebate this year.
After Easter eggs
If you’re like me and don’t have weird parents that do things like pay for your phone bill and buy you Easter eggs and advent calendars, you’ll need to buy your own. Just go to the shop the minute Easter is over and all the eggs will be at least half price.
How To with John Wilson
I don’t usually like Americans, especially their comedy but he’s actually quite good. If you’re looking for a documentary that feels a bit like you’re on ket with a younger more Jewish Louis Theroux then this is for you. It’s on BBC and will make you laugh and cry at the same time.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p0cltlm3/how-to-with-john-wilson
Gambling when you are poor
Now I have your attention, this is actually the opposite of a recommendation. It’s been a hard month. If you are poor DO NOT EVEN THINK of subscribing to Daymade or Omaze cos you will never win the holiday or the mansion and you will definitely just get stuck paying for a subscription where the only thing you might win is some coffee beans you can’t use but you don’t even own a grinder.